söndag 26 februari 2012

From Russia with Love

The center of this tarte is still slightly runny.

I´m not depressed, just a tad sad. Tad sad, tad sad, tadsad. And then I can´t sleep properly, Haha.

…and small pebbles are placed on her eyes. Those are annoying, they get in the way.

I miss you. I made pasta, would you have eaten it? Like, I made it from scratch, in an ideal world you would have loved it.

Okay, then. All right. Or: alright? Who knows? Not me, I´m foreign. Not Russian, though. That would have been cool (think Metro 2033).

I shoveled the porch. So heavy. Went through half of it and felt exhausted. See, if I´d have done it properly, like directly after every snowfall, it would have gone smoothly, but no, I let it sit, and now it´s all heavy and packed and shaped into symmetric flakes. The story of my life; postponing, postponing, postponing. Don´t you just love it when I repeat myself. Sort of requires U loved me from start -- hehe, u:r bad. Can I do this without vowels? Cn I? I is a vowel

My son is playing Hedwig´s Theme on the keyboard. Don´t you find it fascinating that it´s part of their context? Like all of it. They´ve never lived in a world without cell phones. Remember Neuromancer.

I can´t make the music come into my phone. That´s a really bad thing. The computer won´t recognise the phone (cell phone, obviously). So no music. Makes my walks boring. All that silence, I can imagine almost everything, but I can´t make music come alive. Music rules. I want my music back.

Am sad and tired. Tried sleep. What now, then?

I bite through the crust, I bite through your skin and it´s all so runny, such a delightful mess. I don´t think blood tastes of umami, you just made that up! If we make everything up it stops making sense! Gravity is a force of its own, you can´t make up new rules to mold it into the rest of the system, that will only move you further away from the truth. Don´t you see that? You say: there are no truths, and I agree, but making up your own truths is still not the answer, I´m sorry, but it just isn´t.

Release me now. Enjoy. Be my guest. Thank you.

I´ve killed without repercussion. It´s all about context. There really are no truths. Bend down and touch me, please.

söndag 12 februari 2012

Sex with Sixten

I´m going to try something new and tell the truth. T says I lie when faced with an audience and he´s right, but only because the audience respond to my stories and if I make them better, funnier, larger than life, I´ll get such incredible feedback and that´s obviously better than crack.

So, audience, shall we try for some truth?

Last week was an unusual one. A dance company, The Vanaver Caravan, was in town and I took some classes. Very brave of me and very much fun. Also, we went to their performance and I now pretend I´m cool woman from ancient Senegal music-family. My kids are embarrassed and so would you be if you could see my living room dance act.

I also wrote and performed a short monologue for doctors attending an education in insurance medicine. Again, very brave of me =) It´s been ages since I did something like that, but it was so much fun. I love the adrenaline rush! (And I love getting praise!)

Then I read something I liked. And I remembered why I love writing. It´s so strange that I sometimes forget. Like everyday life puts a grayness between me and my creativity and I forget what excites me. The things I´ve been writing lately have been too practical, I think, like that monologue. The freedom in writing escapes me. But maybe that happens when I don´t have enough time to devote to writing, I don´t know. I will have to find time and balance between the hard work that writing also is and the lust that makes me want to do it.

T enthusiastically phoned me from the supermarket telling me that he´d tasted horse meat and it was brilliant, so was it alright if he bought some? I really think we have to be able to eat all sorts of stuff in order to save the planet so I said ”yes, of course,” thinking horse couldn´t be that bad (meat is meat ismeatisnutrition).

He cooked the horse beef and I ate some, objectively agreeing it was good, but my mind screamed nooooo! And I felt sick and why am I like this? I´m killing Earth! Yes, you can blame me! Rational people will eat rats and cockroaches.

I´ve moved into the subway system that snakes under my house and the creatures living here are something else, I tell you. Björn, the pale radio guy broadcasts at secret frequencies and if you tune in next Thursday you´ll get a delicious recipe on horse and baked root vegetables. The kids down here hare off in all directions at the sound of my laughter, I think it must be a forgotten human expression, but they´ll be back in a second if I sing. I´m digging a hole. I might have lost heaven, but I won´t give up on valleys! I´m thinking I can probably manage an ocean given enough time. Oh, that and water -- I also need to find water. Woodlice sometimes come to help me. Gigantic ones that scared me initially, but do you know, they´re the friendliest creatures I´ve ever come across; so gentle and interested. ”Why hole?” one of them said and when I explained they just started to dig =) Sixten, the one whose carapace has a certain shimmer to it, comes everyday and stays when the others have left. I think he´s into me. Will I invite Sixten to share some fermented potato soda in my tent tonight? I think so. And if I let go of my fading flashlight and he crawls over me in this stale darkness that has become my world then so be it, stranger things have happened.

Oh, well. Small steps, friends, small steps.